🌈 On Being LGBTQ+ and Asian

There’s no way I could like a girl.
Mom said it isn’t right. 代阿姨说同性恋恶心。
Those cartoons I watched as a kid, the children’s books I read, the jokes I heard in elementary school…
There must be a reason why they always have a boy falling in love with a girl.
So I’ll be a good girl and follow the rules, because that’s what I’ve always been told to do.

                                                                                                            . . .

But it’s not as if I have a choice. Being queer isn’t something that you decide. It just is.

We don’t get to decide when or how we get to be born. We don’t come out of our wombs knowing that we’re straight. We don’t get to choose our assigned sex at birth.

In a conversation I had with a friend a while back, I learned that thousands of LGBTQ-identifying Chinese people will use apps to find people of the opposite sex to marry so that they can pass as straight to their family. Some of them continue to live their lives like that, and even have children with their partner to convince their families that they’ve secured the only type of future that their household will approve of.

It reminds me of a Humans of New York post I saw about 4 years ago. In it, a woman talks about a time when she took her husband to see Brokeback Mountain, and how he came out to her as gay after the movie during their 30-year-old marriage. They have kids. They’re still together.

I’ve watched Carol three times. I’ve read The Price of Salt twice, and wrote an essay about it in addition to the paper I wrote for the film in my Gender and Sexuality university writing class. I adore the tension between Villanelle and Eve. I listened to the song Jenny by Studio Killers on repeat in eighth grade. I cried watching The Children’s Hour. I’ve seen Call Me By Your Name and read the novel right after watching it.

I think Citrus is a horrible manga with great art. I believe there needs to be more 漫画 like Lily (Yy). I smile when I see the girls in the music video of Tenny – 159cm being silly together. I wonder what would’ve happened if Maurice and Clive actually got together. I would like more people to acknowledge that Abdellatif Kechiche never deserved the Palme d’Or. I think Casey and Izzie are meant to be. I think Season 3 of Stranger Things did justice to the gays through Robin’s character portrayal.

I hate it when people ask me whether I’m 50% attracted to men and 50% attracted to women. I wish I didn’t fake a cringe face at eight years old when my mom told me that Obama wanted to legalize gay marriage. I wish that being straight wasn’t a privilege.

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m being vulnerable and sharing these thoughts to the world. And yes, I’m fucking scared knowing that there are people I know reading this and will likely have a different perception of me by the end of this post, for better or for worse. But if no one says something about it at the dinner table, I will.

I think that we’ve come a long way since Stonewall happened, but there is still a long journey ahead of us—particularly in the Asian community. I have queer Asian friends who continuously have to listen to their parents' anticipation of their marriage and future kids with someone of the opposite sex. I stumble in the uncertainty of my future too, tripping over the many scattered possibilities and what-ifs.

It’s so hard to talk about this, but I want to be a part of the change because I believe that it can and will happen. Whether that change means not having to force yourself to pretend living a life of false happiness, mustering up the courage to post photos of you with your significant other on social media like any other couple, or say the phrase 我的女朋友 without having fear crawling up your neck…

Let’s turn a new page as we enter 2022, and end on a hopeful note. Here’s to acceptance🙏, 爱❤️, and more 百合漫画 🥂🌹

P.S. to whoever wrote a columbia confessions post about me thinking that im straight – you should shoot your shot ;)

ILLENIUM, William Black, Alna - Superhero
Charli XCX, Christine and the Queens - Gone
Halsey - Finally // beautiful stranger

💙 just a girl passing bi🌸樱花🏳️‍🌈yea im proud bitch🧶wrap that red thread of fate around your finger🍑