💼 The Company Of Myself

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, because I think that people have this preconceived notion of me—specifically as someone who’s living this perfect life in their eyes. I find that this is especially the case with people I meet for the first time.”

“Can you elaborate on that idea?”

“I’m a very privileged individual, and I’m lucky to have things that many people don’t have—some of which I earned through my own efforts, and some of which I didn’t have to work for. And when people ask you to introduce yourself, it’s the same old elevator pitch—your name, your year, your major, where you’re gonna work… But there’s a lot more to someone’s story that I don’t think people realize during that first encounter. Like, just because I seem put together on the outside doesn’t mean I’m perfect on the inside. In fact, that’s far from reality. Of course, I’m guilty of developing preconceived notions of people during the first interaction too. But I’ve started to realize that if you don’t further develop the connection with that person you just met, they’ll just retain that preconceived notion of you forever. And it might not necessarily be the way I want to be remembered, you know?”

“It’s great that you’re listing all these things. It means that you’re self aware! In the end, I think a lot of us are hiding things we don’t want others to see—after all, it’s a universal human instinct that’s even more relevant with the rise of social media nowadays. But first, let’s go back to those contradictions you mentioned earlier. What did you mean by that?”

“Well, here are some examples I can think of. I often do better in my humanities classes than computer science courses. I wanna write a book even though I’m an incoming software engineer. I wanna pursue a design degree even though I’m a teaching assistant for an introductory systems programming course in C, which is like, nearly the most low level type of programming you can get besides operating systems.”

“Those things you listed aren’t mutually exclusive though, right?”

“I guess so. But there’s only so much time one could devote to their interests, and I don’t know if I can ever get around to doing those things I listed at the moment. Maybe in ten years or so.”

“It’s great that you have these personal long-term goals in mind. What is it that you want to do right now?”

“I think I want to find the answers to some questions that reside in my mind a lot, while keeping in mind that I might never find them in the end. For example, why do people feel the need to project this picture-perfect image of themselves online? In fact, I find that many successful social media influencers are those who aren’t afraid to be vulnerable with their audience. Take Linda Sun, for example, who has opened up to her audience about her eating disorder and what she learned from her experience. I’ve witnessed few YouTubers undergo such a rate of accelerated growth that matches her pace. And there’s also jasmine le, who published a video on her boob job where she talks about her bodily insecurities. Seeing these channels begs the question, where do you draw the line between giving off your IG baddie bitch energy and showcasing your vulnerable side to your audience?”

“Maybe there isn’t a line after all. It could be that some content creators just want to cultivate an image of themselves that they feel most comfortable in.”

“True, but wouldn’t content creators be much more interesting if they revealed their more authentic sides once in a while? I think having to maintain a facade over a long period of time becomes a major contributing source of depression among youth nowadays. Like, it’s okay to not have a flat stomach, or not to wear makeup once in a while. It’s fine if you don’t wear double eyelid tape or don’t wake up at 6:00am to make avocado toast just so you could be “that girl.” The types of accounts you follow make it seem not okay. Society makes it seem not okay. I used to care at one point. But I know that someone out there will still love me even if I have some chub in places I’d prefer not to, or if I don’t exceed a certain number of likes on my Instagram post. And more importantly, I know that I’ll still be able to love myself. It seems like I’m stating the obvious, but it took a good amount of work for me to get here.”

“I can tell. I’ve seen the way you’ve changed. You should feel proud of yourself for coming so far. Now that you’ve arrived at this mindset, what would you say you’re missing right now?”

“There’s this quote that Villanelle said in season one of Killing Eve that refuses to leave my mind. “Nice life, cool flat, fun job. Someone to watch movies with.” You know how everyone goes through that time in your childhood when you learn that neither Santa Claus nor the tooth fairy are real? I think I’m starting to hit the stage of adulthood where I realize that love isn’t “real.””

“Okay, whoa whoa whoa. Let’s back up for a second. First of all, how do you define love?”

“Well, I bring up the topic of love because compared to all the other aspects of life, love seems like the factor you have the least amount of control over. For example, let’s say you want to work for a specific company. There’s a well-defined structure to the preparation process—apply to the company, get a referral, fix your resume, study up on commonly asked interview questions… Point is, you can work hard towards something and either 1) achieve your goals or 2) settle for something close enough and then try again later on. But let’s say you like someone. You could spend years investing all your effort and energy into making that person happy, and they will never feel the same way as you do towards them. You could hook up with someone to fulfill your physical needs, but once the other person ends things because they’re ready to move onto the next stage in their life with someone else, you’ll be left feeling hollow inside. Because in the end, the emotional connection wasn’t there. After all, that’s the part that’s most difficult to find.”

“You’re not really answering my question, but I’ll ask my follow-up anyway. Have you ever been in love?”

“I’m not sure. It’s exactly this feeling of uncertainty that makes me want to say no, because everyone says you’ll know you’re in love when it happens, and I can’t say for sure that I’ve experienced that feeling. But there were some cherished moments in my life that make me want to lean towards yes. It’s possible that some of that love grew into a form of hatred, and some of that love was just infatuation in disguise. If that’s the case, was it really love to begin with?”

“People change, and so do feelings. Love defies boundaries, and needs no labels.”

“Bleh. I know that already.”

“I’m sure you do. But if you don’t know whether you’ve been in love, can you even claim that it doesn’t exist when you haven’t experienced it yourself?”

“Shut up. You’re not even a real therapist. You’re just another figment of my imagination. Your existence is the reason I am reminded of my loneliness.”

“At the very least, I can fill a void inside of you that other people can’t. You never follow your own advice, even though you always seem to know what advice to give to others.”

“Shut up. I’m getting better at it.”

“Hmm, debatable.”

“You know, therapists have therapists of their own. Ever wonder where the chain ends? I think it’s a cyclic chain.”

“Stop talking to yourself, Annie.”

“no u”