💞 The Vice Purity Test [18+]

February 8, 2022

Warning: This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in feeling
as if the world is indebted to you, and only you, in the most twisted way possible.

Check off every item you have done. MPG stands for Member of the Preferred Gender.

☐ Held a door for someone?
☐ Held someone’s hand in cold weather?
☐ Held someone’s bags on a shopping date?
☐ Complimented someone’s biggest insecurity?
☐ Commented on someone’s biggest insecurity?
☐ Bit someone on the neck?
☐ Bit someone on not the neck?
☐ Bit someone in public?
☐ Shit talk someone?
☐ Shit talk a MPG?
☐ Get turned on knowing that a MPG shit talks about you?
☐ Fantasize over your MPG’s distressed ahegao face?
☐ Not returned a favor?
☐ Get off at the thought of the imbalance in the favors a MPG does for you and vice versa?
☐ Stole something from a store?
☐ Stole something from a store being fully aware that you had the means to purchase the item?
☐ Stole someone else’s gift idea?
☐ Gave away a gift someone got for you?
☐ Confessed to a MPG?
☐ Been confessed to by a MPG?
☐ Confessed to a MPG on April Fools knowing they have feelings for you while not reciprocating those feelings and then immediately taking back your words as a joke?
☐ Confessed to your friend’s partner?
☐ Confessed to your friend’s partner secretly hoping that you could get with them in the end and abandon your friend so that you and her partner could live happily ever after?
☐ Owned a fake?
☐ Owned a fake and never used it?
☐ Sold a fake?
☐ Not leave a tip?
☐ Not leave a tip ‘cause the waiter wasn’t cute enough?
☐ Judged a book by its cover?
☐ Hung out with attractive people?
☐ Hung out with exclusively attractive people and ditch the ones who don’t have flat stomachs, own 0 Canada Goose jackets, and have < 2000 Instagram followers?
☐ Ghosted someone?
☐ Ghosted someone with mental health issues?
☐ Asked a MPG for their number?
☐ Asked a MPG for their number and then asked the same MPG for their number a year later not remembering who they are?
☐ Split food with someone?
☐ Split food with someone without paying them back?
☐ Split food with someone and proceeded to eat 90% of the meal?
☐ Fucked a MPG?
☐ Fucked a MPG while insisting that you don’t use birth control?
☐ Fucked a MPG while telling them that you don’t need birth control because “you can just pee before sex and everything will be so fine” just so that you could do it raw?
☐ Came inside a MPG without permission?
☐ Fucked a MPG, came, and put your pants back on even though MPG didn’t finish?
☐ Refused to fuck MPG because they didn’t shave?
☐ Didn’t invite someone to a party?
☐ Didn’t invite someone to a party because they were too unattractive?
☐ Stuffed tissues in your bra in middle school to make your boobs look bigger?
☐ Stuffed chicken nuggets in your bra so that your MPG could eat them off your body?
☐ Put whipped cream on your nipples so that you could feel like a Katy Perry California Gurl?
☐ Hid a hickey from your parents?
☐ Hid a hickey from your partner?
☐ Told someone about a mental health disorder?
☐ Told someone about somebody else’s mental health disorder?
☐ Psychoanalyzed someone during your interactions knowing they have a mental health disorder?
☐ Judged someone’s outfit?
☐ Judged someone based solely on their social media?
☐ Judged someone’s entire online persona while fantasizing about them at night?
☐ Talked about masturbation?
☐ Talked about masturbation with a MPG you masturbated to?
☐ Talked about masturbation knowing that a MPG showed signs of discomfort during the conversation?
☐ Have an Asian classmate in your literature class who never spoke?
☐ Thought that the Asian classmate in your literature class never spoke?
☐ Thought that the Asian classmate in your literature class couldn’t speak or understand English because of their native accent?
☐ Got a boner during health class?
☐ Fell in love with someone on the Internet while having never met them in real life?
☐ Shared your password with a stranger online?
☐ Got hacked?
☐ Been on Omegle?
☐ Saw an old man’s dick on Omegle?
☐ Got banned on Club Penguin?
☐ Thought that Chinese people are loud and annoying because it’s “part of their culture”?
☐ Claimed that Chinese, Japanese, and Korean people look the same?
☐ Ate sesame chicken and lo mein thinking that what you were eating was authentic Chinese cuisine?
☐ Criticized someone for their religious beliefs?
☐ Catcalled a MPG?
☐ Blocked a partner’s MPG friends on their social media?
☐ Touched a MPG without their permission?
☐ Heard the word “stop” from a MPG?
☐ Identified as an ally?
☐ Identified as an ally to boost your public image?
☐ Identified as an ally so you could put on a false public image of advocacy and get away with the f***ed up way you treat marginalized communities behind the scenes?
☐ Talk exclusively to small Asian girls?
☐ Date exclusively small Asian girls?
☐ Know what the phrase “yellow fever” is?
☐ Know what Tor is?
☐ Activated Tor?
☐ Typed a .onion hostname in your search bar?
☐ Know what orientalism is?
☐ Know what ornamentalism is?
☐ Refused to acknowledge someone’s preferred pronouns?
☐ Called two Asian girls by the same name even though they look nothing alike?
☐ Checked off “I Identify As LGBTQ+” on a job application so that you could boost your chances of getting into the company as a “diversity” hire even though you’re not LGBTQ+?
☐ Checked off “I Identify As A Veteran” on a job application so that you could boost your chances of getting into the company as a “diversity” hire even though you’re not a veteran?
☐ Checked off “I Identify As A POC” on a job application so that you could boost your chances of getting into the company as a “diversity” hire even though you’re not a POC?
☐ Checked off “I Identify As Having A Disability” on a job application so that you could boost your chances of getting into the company as a “diversity” hire even though you don’t have a disability?
☐ Conflate a MPG’s personality with that of a 2D anime character?
☐ Plagiarized someone’s writing?
☐ Thought you could figure everything out about a MPG based on their outward emotions?
☐ Denied a MPG’s sexuality by pretending that they were straight to align with your lustful desires?
☐ Thought you knew who I really was on the inside?

Calculate my score!

Whew. That was a lot. Let’s take a deep breath. 3… 2… 1… Now for the evaluation.

I don’t need to give you a score to quantify how messed up our society can be sometimes.

Look, we all make mistakes. Some of which are more forgivable than others. But there are people who will check off some of the more problematic items thinking that what they’re doing is totally fine. People in authority, people who have the means to project their voice loudly while silencing others, and people who you would never once suspect in your life.

You know who you are. Indulge in your fucking ignorance. Bathe in the bliss of your self-destructive veil.

A smile is not consent. Age does not justify your actions. Some giggles are an instinctual protective mechanism.

Yet here you are thinking that everything you did was okay. That people are always so easy to read, because of course everything on the outside is reflective of who they are on the inside. And you wonder why they stopped responding to your messages. Why they avert your gaze while passing by you in the hallway. Why everyone ruled out your candidacy when everybody else seemed to love you and the jokes you made.

You stand there in shock, but you’ve never once questioned whether what you were doing was acceptable. Yeah, you. You fucked up. Now listen to this voice in your head that grew out of the voices you suppressed. The voice inspired by literary figures like Audre Lorde and Cathy Park Hong. The voice of my peers and friends. My voice.

Some of you probably read this and felt bad at times. Don’t worry, I did too. Everyone’s done at least a couple of these. That’s actually part of the point of this quiz. You feeling this way means that you, at least to some extent, hold yourself accountable to some moral standard however defined. I think it would’ve been more problematic if you didn’t experience the mix of emotions that you felt. Now you know what to improve on. That is, if you choose to change. But if not, I respect your decision. Maybe. It depends.

We’re all dicks in the end, but at least this test gives you an idea of how tall your metaphorical dick stands in relation to others. Size doesn’t matter as long as you’re a “good” person on the inside, right? How do you even define “good” nowadays? That’s up to you to decide.

On a brighter note, thank you to the people who contribute to making this world a better place in your own unique individual ways. Even just keeping some of these points in the back of your mind means something. I hope that you will continue educating yourself on some of these topics, because I certainly am still learning and have plenty to thank the ones I look up to for.